The Crown Of Negativity

Now with 90% less high fructose corn syrup and bitch.

On "life"
I guess I never found what really makes me happy...

(no subject)
I look out the window, on yet again freshly fallen snow, and wonder if anything will ever be the same. The temple built, only to watch it topple over. Now the question is weather to rebuild or start again.

For some time now, I have heard music when I go to bed... and nothing I have ever heard before, just notes... now, it is only the wind sweeping a desolace.

More vagueness
I sit, forever waiting, watching, reflecting, meditating, growing, silently.

Just today I have grown years.

Benjamin Button
Go and see it, just make sure you empty your bladder before you do.

(no subject)
I can't help but laugh right now.

Well... December has thoroughly handed my ass to me in every way mentally possible. The worst part is that there seems to be a pattern. 1, 6, 9, 13, 17, 20 thus far... so every 3-5 days... I am nearly expecting a pipe bomb in one of the Christmas presents now. Coupled with a bit of mental instability (first in a long time thankfully, which is now... mostly over) and practically blowing up a rather important friendship has left me... ehh... a little short of happy. Finding/realizing love, having issues with it, getting broke into, grades (somehow passing Chem with a C...), Jeff not being happy with my (entirely my fault for being such a dick to everyone the past several months), Ali getting slapped with a potential arranged marriage (long story, but it isn't as off the wall as it sounds [hint: his name is Ali]) and now... Christmas in a couple days then Danielle's Birthday along with new years. Blah... here is to hoping that it is only December that is this way. It will be a long way to happiness from here.

(realizes most will not have a clue about any of this, but I figured it may be a good point to pick this up again...)

Origionally done at 3 am, so it is not well typed or logical for the most part...
So I am just going to type here... and babel... just to see what comes out. I kinda need it. : / No grammatic cleanup.

As of recent I have found myself not thinking so much about philosophy as I have previously been, but instead thinking/dreaming about general physics. I think the class may be taking over my mind, however I still feel like procrastinating on doing massive homework assignments untill the last day. Pretty screwy. But I kinda enjoy not debating points of view for a change and its about freakin time, however I am also not quite satisfied about dreaming on a subject I know very little about. Maybe it is just my mental progression... however awkward it may be at times. Amazing what we go through in growing up too... I remember when I was around the age of two... a city (more importantly a certian) place I had not seen in almost a year and saying something along the lines of "That where da turtles are!". It wasn't the ocean, it wasn't some massive place that said "TURTLES R' US"... it was just a tiny little place... I remember riding a bike the day before we moved from Jackson to Huntsville in a giant rectangle on our front porch... I remember my parents telling me to go to my room because they thought the flying monkies in the Wizard of Oz would scare me... all of these early memories I cling on to... just hoping that they would come back but ignoring the fact that I know they never will. They will never happen again... I realize this is stupid of me but my subconscious still yearns for those long lost days where my only concern in the world was to make sure I was not bored. In Madison... I still remember when I first met Matt... Keith... David... Jeffery, James... Lindsey, David T., Kenton, Taylor, Hunter... those days so very long ago... just so care free. I remember when Aaron was less that a year old... I remember when Alex wasn't born yet... I remember these things... they haunt me. I remember the day we left Huntsville... in 2001. I cried myself to sleep on the car ride there and woke up around Nashville... just in time to stop for Subway... then Zelda went missing and she was just hidden a table... I remember our first day in the Townhouse... Disney radio just nonstop and then the beginning of when I confided only in myself... and the multiple late night runs to taco bell with my mom... The first day in the new house... and the smell of all those boxes... sodding the yard in 40 degress and the wind blowing at 35 mph... The first snow... Winter. Ohhh... winter... those months of near pure joy. Meeting Willy... Derek... Shawn... Michael... and those few classes we had together... That pure overflowing hate for my reading teacher and the ironic disliking of my English and Science teacher, Mr. D. I wish I could thank him for everything he did for me... weather he realized it or not. I can remember being pissed at the irony that day, years ago, that I realized how much that man had changed my life. I remember being in my bedroom in the middle of the night on Saturday and Sundays listening to the hard rock/metal station that Minneapolis had to offer and thinking that the music would change the course of my life. I remember the day we left Minnesota and the growing irritation with my parents and their uncertanty of our future. I think now that the uncertanty may have caused me to think so much about philosophy in the first place. I remember when we moved into our temporary housing in Beardon... and loving the place. I remember my first day of school which I, still to this day, affectionately refer to as "Mother-fucking-hell-hole". I remember when I first meet Michael... Jeff H... Alex... and very importantly, Crystal. I remember when 8th grade came around and meeting an asshole named Ryan Skinner. I how he changed so quickly... and the first real conversation we had. I remember joining Buzzy Boards and... well... met alot of people there... good people at that. I remember meeting Fergon through Crystal... and Laruen... And Ryan Lain. I remember meeting AJ... and Peter... which would both have a profound influence on my life dispite how little time when had to interact with each other. I remember meeting Ploof on his first day at the mother-fucking-hell-hole. Then 9th grade came around... and being disappointed that I didn't have a class with any of my friends. Gym when I met Josh, Bobby, and Patrick... Bobby being the only one I have seen in years... Second term comes around... and Peirce was in my Algebra class... then the day Mr. King left and those long agonizing weeks where we had the sub.. who was replace with Mrs. Kong... I remember Amber trying to get me to like her for the longest time to no fruition on her part. I remember those... and the end of that term. 10th grade year started... and the addiction to WoW. When I actually had a class with Fergon...German. And Wellness where I met Peppermint and Shortbus... and Geometry where I met Jacob...  Then German... again with Fergon... and US History... also with Fergon. Then A&P where I got to know Ina... and Ali... and those 43 hour weeks in 3 days of nothing but making popcorn. Then there was AP Art History... I think I have come to be closer to than most of the people I would actually call my friends... And this summer where I found myself... and what I am. Just looking back I see my growth as a human has been quite... enjoyable... and quite painful. How tiny little things became massive driving forces in my life... and things I previously found intolerable to be extremely influential. Time... in all of its unspeakable horrors in truth. And what have I realized that I have to look forward to? Very little. As a kid, we spend our whole time just wanting to grow up and just filling our lives with cheep thrills for entertainment... and as an adult... we spend our time wanting to be young(er) again. As much as I hate to say it, but the book Einstein's Dreams was right. As a child, time passes too slowly and as an adult, time goes by too quickly. That is some annoying bullshit irony.

Dear god! My eyes are bleeding!
Yeah, I am tired. Only got some 6 hours of poor-quality sleep over at Ferguson's last night followed by a 2 hour nap at 4pm today and still don't have jack for stamina.

Ferguson also supposedly almost got mugged Friday whilst we were at FNM. He was going to go for a walk because he had about 30 minutes before the next parings at best case scenario, so on his way back... tada! Not going to go into details, but some people were coming, dude had knife, dude got pissed that Fergon was laughing at him in a mocking way, Fergon got to keep his wallet filled with an amazing 37 cents, his head still hurt on Saturday from being suddenly slammed into a wall. World's most bullshit run-on sentence right there people.

So... ehh... there really isn't anything amusing going on within the tiny confines of the Inet. That bullshit is unacceptable... so this is a cheep ploy to start a post at 12:44am and finish it at 12:15am the same day. Time travel is lame! Don't forget to turn your clock back an hour if DST applies to you. *Insert Uncle Sam poster here that says "I want you to turn back your damn clocks."

That is all.

I sorta owe it to myself.
I am going to start updating this. Better than other stuff I have been doing. >.> I think I may clean up the journal a bit though first.

Horray for random!
I think there is something wrong with me... I went to Kroger Sunday and bought a pound of colby-jack cheese... thats not a good sign...


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